I'd love to be able to stand up in front of my family and say some words about my wonderful Grandfather Ben but I know that I would not be able to hold it together enough to do so. Instead I'll write it here; the tears may still come but at least I'll be able to say everything I want to with some sense of composure.
When I was little we used to travel up to Knolton Way, Slough. I remember there was a room with books that in my mind had books from floor to ceiling. I remember the maroon bed covers in Ben's room. I remember the dining table where we would toast 'Elf' and we would eat carrots that tasted like ice cream. Visits to Windsor Safari Park - which one year we must have done 3 times in a week. When Gran and Ben came to visit us I would always cry when they left. I wished they lived closer but their visits were more special.
I can remember Ben showing me the floor plans of 5 Caistor Close. Visiting became an adventure as we would travel the 220 miles up to Lincoln. Trips to Mablethorpe and into Lincoln City. As I got older I began to take more notice in the history and in Ben's stories of his life. I enjoyed everytime being shown the dead fly and the first payslip.
Other random things I remember: the different aids - bandaid, First aid, lemonade. The code we had for if anyone tried to tell me that they were coming for me from school on Ben's instructions.
Happy times at Glyndley Manor. The big slippers and the introduction of SMM (Skinny Minnie Mouse) and JBB (Jelly Belly Benny). I have addressed cards and letters to Mr JBB Essam ever since. Watching the Grand Prix (which I then got really into) and explaining how odds worked (which I still don't understand!).
Other things keep coming to mind: teaching me to play crib and the funny phrases - one for his nob; him liking the song The Power of Love by Jennifer Rush; sherry time; the room full of World War I and II videos and books; making a fruit salad and trying to keep the apple peel in one long piece that would coil up after; our hugs called 'lovings'; roulette - fêtez-vous jouer messieurs; uno, dos, tres...; little phrases like shot at dawn twice a day for a week, thinks his body everyself, just like I'm milking this giraffe; Lettice Gotobed and stories of the Stoke Poges Golf Club.
The shock in how different he was when we visited the hospital after his operation. I had never seen him as anything other than strong.
After that things were a bit different. Life for Ben became more about looking after Gran. And for the first time he got to talk, really talk. All those years of never getting a word in edgeways and suddenly he was able to. I learned so much more about him in the last few years than I thought possible.
I will always see him in his t-shirts with their fantastic pictures of animals. He introduced me to the world of Hotel Chocolat, though I have yet to sample their wares. Driving around, he knew all the speed limit changes and would pre-warn me they were coming when we were about a mile away.
I'm so thrilled that both he and Gran made it to my wedding.
Before my son was born he was always going to be Ben. Benjamin on his birth certificate but Ben to us always. And the Allen bit just makes it that much more special.
The chair that he had real fun with my Ben with. That same chair that he held his 5th Great Grandson Charlie in his arms. The pride in his garden. His seat for 2 on the patio.
Talking on the phone more in the last few years, more, but not as much as I should have. He would share his feelings with me and tell me things about his life I did not know. Every visit became more special - I'd still cry when I left knowing that this time could be the last.
I have a massive hole in my life without him. I thought he'd be there always. I was looking forward to him telling me he'd 'just turned 19' in May 2011.
I am so lucky to have had him for 34 years. I love you Benny Boy. Sleep well now xx
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