Ben Essam 1920-2010

I'd love to be able to stand up in front of my family and say some words about my wonderful Grandfather Ben but I know that I would not be able to hold it together enough to do so. Instead I'll write it here; the tears may still come but at least I'll be able to say everything I want to with some sense of composure.

When I was little we used to travel up to Knolton Way, Slough. I remember there was a room with books that in my mind had books from floor to ceiling. I remember the maroon bed covers in Ben's room. I remember the dining table where we would toast 'Elf' and we would eat carrots that tasted like ice cream. Visits to Windsor Safari Park - which one year we must have done 3 times in a week. When Gran and Ben came to visit us I would always cry when they left. I wished they lived closer but their visits were more special.

I can remember Ben showing me the floor plans of 5 Caistor Close. Visiting became an adventure as we would travel the 220 miles up to Lincoln. Trips to Mablethorpe and into Lincoln City. As I got older I began to take more notice in the history and in Ben's stories of his life. I enjoyed everytime being shown the dead fly and the first payslip.

Other random things I remember: the different aids - bandaid, First aid, lemonade. The code we had for if anyone tried to tell me that they were coming for me from school on Ben's instructions.

Happy times at Glyndley Manor. The big slippers and the introduction of SMM (Skinny Minnie Mouse) and JBB (Jelly Belly Benny). I have addressed cards and letters to Mr JBB Essam ever since. Watching the Grand Prix (which I then got really into) and explaining how odds worked (which I still don't understand!).

Other things keep coming to mind: teaching me to play crib and the funny phrases - one for his nob; him liking the song The Power of Love by Jennifer Rush; sherry time; the room full of World War I and II videos and books; making a fruit salad and trying to keep the apple peel in one long piece that would coil up after; our hugs called 'lovings'; roulette - fêtez-vous jouer messieurs; uno, dos, tres...; little phrases like shot at dawn twice a day for a week, thinks his body everyself, just like I'm milking this giraffe; Lettice Gotobed and stories of the Stoke Poges Golf Club.

The shock in how different he was when we visited the hospital after his operation. I had never seen him as anything other than strong.

After that things were a bit different. Life for Ben became more about looking after Gran. And for the first time he got to talk, really talk. All those years of never getting a word in edgeways and suddenly he was able to. I learned so much more about him in the last few years than I thought possible.

I will always see him in his t-shirts with their fantastic pictures of animals. He introduced me to the world of Hotel Chocolat, though I have yet to sample their wares. Driving around, he knew all the speed limit changes and would pre-warn me they were coming when we were about a mile away.

I'm so thrilled that both he and Gran made it to my wedding.

Before my son was born he was always going to be Ben. Benjamin on his birth certificate but Ben to us always. And the Allen bit just makes it that much more special.

The chair that he had real fun with my Ben with. That same chair that he held his 5th Great Grandson Charlie in his arms. The pride in his garden. His seat for 2 on the patio.

Talking on the phone more in the last few years, more, but not as much as I should have. He would share his feelings with me and tell me things about his life I did not know. Every visit became more special - I'd still cry when I left knowing that this time could be the last.

I have a massive hole in my life without him. I thought he'd be there always. I was looking forward to him telling me he'd 'just turned 19' in May 2011.

I am so lucky to have had him for 34 years. I love you Benny Boy. Sleep well now xx

Hung parliament version 1 (for 10 year olds) and 2 (for 5 year olds)

Ok, I was optimistic with my plans of blogging, but here I am eventually.

Election fever hit home and school yesterday and today, starting with Ben and Charlie accompanying us to the Polling Station at 7am. Ben is fascinated by the whole thing and wants to know all about it. He even put the ballot paper in the box! He then spend the rest of the day wondering who had won, and it was the first thing he asked when he woke up this morning! Interesting trying to explain the hung parliament to him, he got the gist I think.

Not much was mentioned about it at school yesterday, however I was greeted by an intelligent child who asked me "What does politics have to do with me anyway?". So from then on we had the BBC news website up on the big screen and a running commentary from the children about who they liked and disliked. Some knew a lot and were very mature, others were clearly just repeating the (very interesting and extremely biased) comments they have picked up from home, while others knew nothing whatsoever. One even asked me "Which team is which?" I would say that they did actually learn something; they seemed to understand about the hung parliament and the implications of such. We happened to catch Gordon Brown's address as it happened - which I had to translate into child speak for them - but I am sure they went home a little wiser about the world today.

Friday seems to have come around so quickly this week. SATs next week but how good does it feel to be part of the boycott. I wonder what the government in which ever form it takes will decide to do in the long run.

Not enough hours in the day

Too much to do (and yet I have found a small window in which to blog!)

My to do list never seems to get any shorter. How can there be this many things to do? Planning, marking, planning, marking, meetings, paperwork blah, blah. Not that I mind. It's just the whole feeling guilty for spending time doing anything but work.

Ben's list gets longer still, with his first golf lesson today. He seemed to really enjoy it and was practising in the dark in his bedroom at 8.30 this evening (having woken Charlie up with a dodgy putt). Both boys have had a haircut tonight and look far more respectable. Short but long of course!

It better be true about the threes thing

Saturday turned out to be a day of tears, tantrums and tans. Not all applying to small people.

We decided, very reluctantly, on Friday that we would have to abandon the holiday plan as we are struggling to save enough to go and have a comfortable time. We'd have made it - flight and accommodation in full - but probably not enough for spending money to make it enjoyable. thank goodness we had made that decision as then, as fate would have it, Grant reversed the car with the door open into a lamp-post causing £600 of damage - insurance job of course but £150 excess means even tighter on the holiday fund. I cried.

Ben was fine about the whole thing. He wants to go to Legoland and Longleat and on an open top bus around London! It's a relief in a way as now we can save for next year and go knowing that a) we have paid for the whole lot by ourselves no credit involved and b) we will have more than enough saved up to properly be able to relax and not be worrying about what we're spending.

To top it all Charlie has woken up with the Devil in him and had drawn on the carpet with felt tip pen. Thank goodness it came out. What else can happen this weekend?

I am a bit down about it all but only because it seems like there's nothing to look forward to now. But that's a bit melodramatic. As Tom says: No one has died.

Boycotts and tennis balls

So here I am for the second day in a row. Don't get used to it!

In today's school news SATs boycott going ahead! Whoa. We will still sit the tests albeit the 2009 ones but not have them externally marked and therefore reported as league table data etc. Scary but ballsy. No rant necessary after all. Until an election canvasser comes a-calling and then I'll put them on the spot.

On the home front had two incredibly grumpy boys today. Charlie needs a sleep in the daytime and for whatever reason this doesn't always happen when he's with his childminder. Unsurprisingly he was not impressed with the idea of sitting (in a very cold wind) watching Ben at his tennis lesson. Ben was equally grouchy - and typically irrational, the after effects of a busy day, a tiring week and maybe the first negative side effect of the migraine medication. I don't want him to grow up too quickly but I'll be happy when his level common sense matches his intelligence. Will that ever happen?

Anyway, after an interesting evening with one eye on the leaders debate and one on marking English (and a third eye on Facebook and Twitter), I am now more aware of what my political view is, know what colour I favour and am happy that my school children can now generally use commas - (full stops not so much!). And with that its off to bed. Friday has crept up on me this week, like a very welcome friend.

Welcome along

Hmmm. Apparently I am unsatisfied with the amount of things currently keeping my brain active from 6am - 10pm and have decided to embark upon a new adventure, blogging. As to how often I will blog (is that a verb?) I guess we'll have to see, but for anyone who is actually reading and is vaguely interested in my general ramblings I'm hoping you'll 'get me' through the medium of text.

So what makes me worthy of such ramblings? Well, I'm a wife and mummy of 2 gorgeous boys. That's life number one. Life number two is being a primary school teacher, my vocation. You'll get to realise fairly quickly that teacher is not what I do. It's what I am. Somehow for the past 5 years I have managed to balance these two lives rather well without any obvious negative side effects. Being a parent makes me a better teacher and to some extent being a teacher makes me a better parent. Occasionally I look down on myself from a vantage point far away and wonder how I can do what I do. I know I am fairly good at both my jobs. I also think I may have superpowers and one day the Kryptonite will come too close and it might just fall apart. But for now I am more than just muddling through.

So here begins the double-life diary. Full of anecdotes, thoughts, jabberings and generally me stuff. I was going to start with my first school topic - SATs Rant - but I think I'd better finish marking my last 5 maths sheets and head off to bed. The rants can wait. I'm sure there'll be plenty!